Scared…

I can vividly remember the times i have been most afraid in my life. During an anxiety attack while in bed at night, feeling alone and filled by an indescribable suffocating gripping void…or during my divorce with an empty house, an empty bank account with a 3 year old to stay strong for and feed, not knowing how i would do it with no family or closest friends close by to be my physical support system…or when a car rolled 5 times while i was in it, stepping out of a pile of glass and deformed steel… with the radio still intact playing loud…everything in slow motion in my head…like i was stuck in an unending horror movie and seeing a gruesome scene with one of my best friends crying in pain and her leg shattered in pieces and another breathing his last breath…and then recently, the fear of losing my family and loved ones to the corona virus and afraid of not ever seeing my mother again, my brother and my sister…all who live a thousand miles away from me. In that moment, when you are afraid, fear is undeniable and every single inch of your body responds to it. Its real. Its raw…and its ugly.

In as much as fear is the dark knight with a promise of a looming gloom, it is a powerful agent of change. It can sometimes fuel our drive and catapult us to a great level of success or it can cripple us to inaction and numbness. But whichever way we go, its always our choice. Have you ever wondered why we naturally were born with adrenaline in response to fear. Adrenaline that can make you run as fast as Usain Bolt when you see a snake, yet you could never win a race to save your life? It is natures’ way of telling us that fear is amazing ammunition.

I found myself afraid this week of fully stepping into declaring myself as a writer publicly. I don’t know, maybe its a fear of not being accepted for who i am…fear of being judged. I went from being excited about this new venture to wanting to throw up with anxiety lol. Although just like any human being, i feel fear, I also try to find a home in it…most times anyway. If something is important enough to you, i believe fear should become your compass. You run towards it. Im not saying run towards a gunshot and get your ass killed…im just saying fear shouldn’t deter you from anything worthwhile experiencing. So when you are scared…and you cant breathe…your palms are sweaty and your heart is racing a million miles per hour…what do you do…apart from pass out?

…………….Breathe………….

Breathing gives you a moment to think with clarity. If you need more than a moment, then take your time to find your true north. Most fear is in the past or the future. Yes, you heard me. Fear most times, as real as it feels, is not real. We recreate a dreadful scene in our head of either something that has already happened or create something that we think is yet to happen. Unless we are facing a lions jaw in the moment or some sort of obvious danger, a lot of our fear is self inflicted and self created. Now in that moment of fear, ask yourself if its real, if you can see the danger. Most times we stop in our tracks because of something thats not there and that will never happen…most likely something that can never happen…like its not possible for it to happen. For example the reason im so scared of swimming in deep water and a reason why im not yet Kirsty Conventry is because i think a mermaid will pull my leg while im at the deep end and drown me. Its a real fear i have but probability of it actually happening is one in a gazillion. But as soon as i see the deep end, that sneaky mermaid is there waiting for my demise…in my head anyways. And if our greatest fear happens anyways, its gone as soon as it came. So if its fear stopping you from your dreams, tread on…don’t stop. Throw up if you have to because the fear itself will never go away, but its still not a reason enough to give up on what gives you life. There is no greater fear for me, than a life not well lived in the face of death.

In the meanwhile, lets stay safe, wash our hands, wear our masks and keep our loved ones safe.

Disclaimer : This post does not refer to stupid heroism and bravery like bungee jumping and sky diving although i do think is cool and will try it one day 🙂