My Happiness Project (MY HP)
HP DAY 157 (END OF PROJECT) : HONOR THYSELF
I have been feeling like my HP project was coming to an end for some time now and i initially wanted to end it on my birthday but today feels right.
I’m just grateful for it 🙂 Doesn’t make sense i know, but i was actually learning from the things i wrote. I was my own student and i hope sharing it with you gave some of you some real life and some real truth in your own life.
The reason im ending it is because i feel i have learnt and given all there was to learn and give in that particular time. When i started this project, i was going through some things i thought i could never come out of or overcome..i was overwhelmed by life and knew something had to give…i was forced to look within….I believe deeply that “seek and you will find” so i began to seek for what i could not explain…only to realize that all that was in my head that was overwhelming me and manifesting in my life was truly self inflicted.
Funny example on a small scale is…i started doing an Executive Masters in Business Administration program a few months back. My goal from day one was to excel…honestly i have noticed i am a bit OCD when it comes to excellence especially the older i get. Back then in highschool i was the dorm dweller, the joker and playful student who made comments to make teachers feel uncomfortable and make the whole class laugh loool. Nowadays i really take it to “another level” of crazy lol. One day my husband came to pick me up from the gym and he said i made everyone look bad coz i would be tooo lazer focused….from a HARD gym class that i would have slayed, id go straight on the treadmill and run non stop for sometimes a whole hour lool. I had some guys try to join me to nurse their egos for being beat by a woman and have them give up halfway or earlier lool. And ooooo i loved that!!! I guess i am a bit power crazed…so i took the same disease to my program.
Early on..i had it all planed. I decided i would do my Phd after my Masters and already knew i wanted to get a scholarship to one of the best business schools IN THE WORLD!!!! LOOOL…How?…i dont know…coz i cant say im super super top 10% of the world smart but that was the plan…and this was so, so that i use my new top range knowledge for a consultancy im planning to start with a friend. I had it all figured out. So i gave it all i had and some more and before long i was starting to feel drained and over worked. The other day we had an assignment for Financial and Management Accounting and i had pretty much completed doing the assignment. All my figures balanced but i was sooo obsessed on getting the “maximumiest” mark i could possibly get. So i had set my alarm for 5am so that i could go through my work and polish it up. Instead Luke woke me up around 4am with his snoring and i couldn’t go back to sleep so i figured…chance given!!! I woke up and slowly went through my assignment…i googled and i ogled over it to make sure i did not leave any info, dot or comma anywhere….im not even exaggerating lol. I swear i have no idea how those 4 hours went by so fast. I had an inclass group test that morning in another different class but we were supposed to submit our Finance assignments to this lecturer. At 7.45 i realized i hadnt bathed and hadnt finished rewriting this assignment neatly and i ended up scribbling to get it finished. I was so late for class, my Quantz lecturer had to call me to tell me that my group-mates had already started the in-class test without me and he wanted to leave and needed my Finance assignment for submission. I pretty much had to rush through everything and ended up not submitting my best work as i intended to coz i was too obsessed with the final product which was 7 years later after my Phd loooool. I could not believe id let that happen and i was probably going to lose a lot of marks from a poorly presented assignment and had affected my performance for the other subject as well!!!!I sacrificed my present for a future that was unknown..I had been so out of it, I even found myself at some point obsessing whether i should do a Phd in Organizational Behavior or in Strategic Business and Entrepreneurship in the middle of me doing a report at work loooool.
To sum it up, i have learnt that happiness lies in this very moment…excellence and greatness will depend on this little step or little moment and how fully present i am in that small step. A good quality step will lead to another good quality step and those are the ones that determine the quality of the journey. I learnt thats how i can truly honor myself and my life. You know life is just funny. When i started this HP, i really started to feel like i was in this life class. I kept meeting teachers…people who would give me life lessons in simple conversations…my mistakes…my environment became my teachers. One afternoon i was spending some time with a good friend of mine and some of her friends. One of them said to me…In life, whats important is to know yourself, know what you want and know how best to articulate that to others and never compromise that for anything or anyone. In essence thats how you can be truly yourself and also best serve others. That piece of advise hit me to the core…i had a few tears in my eyes but i was fighting to push them back coz i would have looked insane…or too drunk…i couldn’t let them drop down…i had had some wine by then lol..It was a simple but powerful piece of advise that i think i needed to hear and one that i will carry with me for life….i figured i had not learnt how to honor myself…my worth…my dreams…the sacredness of my life. I was passionate but half the time i was too impatient…i was also too scared to show who i really was in fear of judgement. I was afraid to make mistakes or to be seen as imperfect and so my personality was one that worked to please others rather than honor myself.. By 30 my life was beginning to feel i was in this looong battle…i fight one thing, then the next comes up…i fight the next and another comes up and so on. The toll of this fighting and winning and losing was taking its toll on me and i couldn’t figure out what it was i was doing wrong…i started to feel defeated and exhausted. I learnt that when you plant a seed in a season that is not conducive for growth…the quality of the yield will be poor…i learnt a lot by just revising how nature works…i learnt to be patient…to swim with the current and i learnt that only when i swim against the current of my life, thats when i cause a lot of distress. When i stop fighting my purpose…when i allow the God in me to come through, the God in all will support me… and everything will be aligned. I learnt that was the gold!!! Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and its righteousness and all these things will be added unto you…i had the map but just didnt know how to use it. I learnt when i give what i feel im lacking, i in-turn will receive it. If i don’t like what im doing…i shouldn’t do it. A lot of bible verses came alive for me through my search…the deep truth in them shinned through. I have started to feel like im becoming myself…learning myself…being true to myself. Perfection and excellence is great but the magic is in the mistakes and the pain. Growth comes from that. Evolution sparks from that. Diamonds are made from carbon under a lot of heat and pressure…flowers are examples of evolution of plants…thats just how nature works and we realize that as humans…we admire these diamonds and flowers and see their beauty but we have failed to apply these concepts to our own lives…we quote nice quotes…we live on the surface of theory but have failed to live as deeply and fully as we are intended to live… I realized there really are no mistakes…There are no mistakes…and pain and stress comes from resisting whats there…not being patient and not accepting things i cannot change and also not honoring myself by being true to myself. I also learnt that pain and stress are also an act of grace from God in hopes to get us in the right path. Thank God for your adversities…really thank Him and accept them…only then will you see the real reason for their presence…I mean.. its still a process…im still learning…but funny thing im starting to love this…all of this…this thing called life and truly…reallly truly living. “When you become comfortable with uncertainity, infinite possibilities open up in your life” Eckhart Tolle
#lovingit #thankyouHP #GRACE #ENDOFHP #TRUSTINGTHEPROCESS #ONTOTHENEXTONE!!!!!
Day 150 HP : The internal compass
Today I thought of what this lady who specializes in mental health once told me. She said the eyes do not see, they allow light in for the brain to perceive and thats why we cannot see in the dark. I did science in high school…and im sure iv learnt this in a scientific technical way…but the way she said it made me realize how much wonder there is to the human body and how much more is beyond the eye. Sometimes i live in a world where i see so much magic when i allow myself to be in tune with the magic…and i think everyone has that capacity…to see the world beyond form. For example, I am constantly fascinated by water…it has no adequate mental conception…we know the science behind water existing but if you really look at water, you realize it has more of a spiritual quality than anything else. It has the power to move and carry virtually anything…carries ships, can wash away houses, people, animals, huge trees…then it has power to give life and nourish..it has power to cleanse and heal…yet its so light and so still and transparent. Now look at the wonder of your own body..what it does on the surface and the silent intelligence beneath it for it to function…all those cells…your heart beating…your lungs breathing..your fingers moving…even science alone has not been able to fully explore the body and its wonder….i wont even go to the wonder of endless space and the universe beyond the planet earth…there is just undeniable magic to say the least. Why are we then so consumed in the “smaller” aspect of our lives…in our little box when there is obviously something bigger happening. This is not to dismiss anything that is of importance in your life but rather to make you realize that there is so much more to your life, your problem and even your happiness.
One of the things i expected when starting this happiness project was to find all the answers externally…maybe find this happiness that is out there, waiting to be found hamenowo ikoko…my happiness was quantifiable..but everyday has taken me in a different route…its taken me back to myself. And where is this me? Certainly not in my mind or thoughts, coz my thoughts are waaaay smaller than who i really am. Everyone has thoughts…thoughts are really just a conditioned way of responding to information and stimuli…if your background and life experiences were different, you would have different thoughts therefore thoughts are not authentic..they are just a carbon copy of your history, environment and society…4 people will have different thoughts about the exact same situation and that alone should make us see that truth “in our thoughts” is only but half truth…its not absolute. We are entitled to our truth and entitled to value our way of life but its so relative, tomorrow it might be different….so why kill because of a thought?…why hit someone else because of a thought?…why judge someone to be of less value than you because of a thought?
Certainly the real me is not in my heart or emotions or passions…not in any physical aspect of what constitutes me, which is only a tiny tiny aspect of the whole. But rather…i think, i now realize…im my SOUL…in lack of a better word to describe this dimension of who i am. Its that part of me that is still…that is content…that knows…that part of me when God is not “out there” but God is in me and when i am Him…the part that knows all there is, is love and abundance…that part that always just KNOWS even when my heart is pounding in fear and my body is shaking or sweating in uncertainty or my thoughts or mind is confused and swirling in all sorts of direction of whys, hows, whens, that are always subject to change…that part that knows amidst all that, that everything is ok, that everything will be ok and always will be ok…that all phases in life have EQUAL weight and that they all have purpose and ALL are good..just as God saw the world when he created it…it was good.That part of me that can never change and that is timeless…the part that will continue even after im physically gone…everyone has that part and that part is the real me and the real you and our duty in life is to serve that part..thats is us and essentially that part is God.That’s where our true identity lies and its as vast and unbound as space…the wonder and magic of the tangible world…our bodies…water..air..flowers..space..nature..moon and stars..is all an expression of that part of us that is in everything..Our bodies, our personalities, our thoughts and creativity…is just a small part of who we are therefore differences in those things should not matter coz essentially at the core, we are all the same. That “soul” is a part of God expressing Himself through you and once we understand…deeply understand that we all have that part in us, just expressed differently…really, why should anything else matter? Any lack, any pain is due to being out of touch with that part of us because essentially when you are in touch with it, you know…you just know you are abundant, you are eternal…not even death can touch you…you are worthy, you are capable and you are beyond…you are absolutely out of this world…divine magic!!!!
#stilllearning #trustingtheprocess #divinemagic #thetruth
Day 125 HP : Your Phenomenon
I’m 30 turning 31 in 2 months. I could have never predicted my life and it is no where close to where i have thought it would be. I have been “searching” for as long as i can remember. Searching for something i cannot describe adequately in words. I have lived overseas, quit a job i had just been promoted to with a pretty good salary for a single young student. I quit it because my instincts said so. Half the time iv listened to my seemingly worthless instincts…the other half i have not and i have still gotten to a place i couldn’t have guessed. I sensed that my 20s would be full of trial and error and my 30s would be my discovery years. I was excited for my 30th and knew a lot would happen but i thought of it in a way that was material. When i was pregnant…in the beginning of my pregnancy just after my step dads death, i told God…”This is not it…something doesn’t feel right…” I could not pin point what it was. With help from one of my God sent friends Doreen Madanhire Muzariri
, my hair business did pretty well. We could sell hair worth $1000 in a day. But i ran out of energy and my business followed suit reflecting my own state…In the good times with us making good money, i could still feel it in my soul that ..”This is not it.” I prayed one day, did the ugly cry to God and i told Him..”I want to be used but i don’t know how…i don’t even know whats supposed to happen…please shake it up for me …shake my life up if im in the wrong course…so that i can one day die as the best version of myself i could ever be..” And lord did He shake it…in ways i never expected…he shook it so much I knew it must be Him…i remembered every time I went through something…as hard as it was and is, I had to remember I was getting my prayers answered somewhere somehow…that it would all make sense. I had told myself i needed to build this empire and then use my money to do good or do whatever i have always wanted to do.This year for me i think has been the hardest of my life in every possible way you can think of. Its the first year in my life iv ever felt…wow, can i make it? Can i get to me? Can i get to the God in me and let Him shine? Is my life worth much or am i just going through the motions and never going to contribute anything? I would wake up in the middle of the night panicking because i attached my success to material things. I thought maybe if i made this much money, i can now start to give and change the world. I could “fix” my life and everything would be ok. I thought yes, when I get this much…I can finally live!!! And this thought caused so much anxiety because it was as if I was “on hold” or pause until this big thing happened.I was constantly trying to get to the big break that will “change” my life and finally let me change other peoples lives. And this year, although being the hardest has been the best spiritually for me. The absolute best. The things iv learnt by going through struggles have filled me up. I see myself differently. I know now that i need nothing else to become “somebody”, other than myself. I have experienced…through Gods’ “shaking” that the phenomenon i have been looking for has always been in me. I relate so much to the book Alchemist coz this guy had to go far and wide in search for treasure that was already closer to him than he realized and i understand now that i am the master of my fate…the captain of my soul as the poem Invictus states….that my authentic power and phenomenon is already in me…as it is in you. More than ever now i realize how many people are going through their lives on empty. More people are depressed..more people are committing suicide and more people are looking for things that can drown their emptiness be it women, men, alcohol, money, drugs, love, acceptance etc..Now i know more than ever what i have been searching for…it is for my real personality to serve my soul….when you are stripped of your “fake” personality or the things you think make you who you are and you still remain…you realize you are so much more than those things or people or dreams… the real personality shines through and sometimes all sorts has to happen to you for that to actually happen. I am still learning as i will for the rest of my life but i feel sooo enriched and grateful more than ever. Now i see my world as a mirror…my daughter is my mirror, my husband is my mirror, my inner body, feelings, and any distress im feeling..is my mirror…the people around me are my mirror….everything that happens around me is a part of me. I try not to take anything for granted. I’m less “perfect” and im ok with that…but more myself and embracing all that comes with it, I can truly say, im on my way….and i share this with you so that maybe, just maybe, we could be facing the same things. We are more alike than we are different. I just wanted to remind you that your power and your phenomenon are in you. Right where you are is all that you can ever need. #authenticpower #phenomenallyyou #truth #trustingtheprocess
Day 107 HP : De-clutter…and smile
Wow its day 107 of my HP project. I’m impressed iv lasted this long and have been persistent…at what?….im really not sure. I don’t really know if this happiness project has a time line lol. It feels more like a learning period for me and im just sharing my experiences as they wow me or upset or move me in hopes to be of positive influence to someone else. I’m going with the flow and just trusting it will have its purpose. Above all, its all for selfish reasons really….this whole documenting has been amazing for me. I’m pretty sure i enjoy it more than those who like reading my ramblings.
So week 1 i was supposed to de-clutter but i could not even let go of clothes i couldn’t fit until a few days back. This time around i came up with a big plastic bag full of clothes i really like but know i will never wear again or really need, as well as a plastic bag of shoes. I can probably find more stuff in my closet to let go of…but lets take each day as it comes, shall we. This de-cluttering to me is more of an effort to have less attachment to material stuff….to have less attachment to my way of thinking being the only way and to have less attachment to expectations of a type of life i think i want but a life iv never lived to its potential….so why put myself in a box when the future is really truly unknown. This de-cluttering to me means to have more faith in the goodness in me beyond the labels iv always thought myself to be…to just be less attached to life situations and them defining who i am. For me it just means to be….just to be me…and free and be open to Gods will for my life above my own will. It all starts with little things…if i cannot give $10 when i have a $100, it will be harder to let go of $1mil when i have a billion. How can I ask for more responsibility when I can’t handle or give back with the little iv got. After all to give is to get, and to get is to give. It’s really all the same because we are all from one source of life.
I was sort of having a bad day today. Lost track of my instinct and trust in everything having a meaning…that there is a greater power working over our lives. I was just really consumed with stress and worrying about this and that, then i read Strive Masiyiwas recent post. My epiphany really had nothing to do with the exact point he was making in his post but rather on 3 words…”water reticulation system…” Ok so let me explain before i lose you. I worked on a project this week which had to do with a water reticulation system…..thats it lol….thats my explanation lol. So hes talking about a wonderful thing in his post and i was sort of browsing through it coz really i was still stuck on my days stresses and those words hit me. I said, wait a minute…water what? I just did a project a few days ago and i learnt for the first time what that is. And i just smiled. I said to God…i get it. I get what you are saying. It was as if He put something in my view to jolt me to remember that everything has a purpose and above all all, to always remember that we as human beings are interconnected and we are all alike. We all have God in us. Our individual lives connect indirectly and directly to other peoples lives. So every little thing we do counts in ways we cannot understand.
HP Day 94 : Connecting the dots
I have probably owned hundreds of notebooks in my lifetime where i write all sorts.I just love having them…i can never get enough of books to write in. I found one of my notebooks from the time i was in the US. I wrote my feelings in there. The first piece i wrote was on new years day 2009. I went through the things i wrote and im so grateful i wrote them. In the first piece i mention that “something” told me to document how i was feeling from that day. Didn’t know why i felt i had to write it and it had no significance in my life then. I never read that for the past 7 years until today…and i thought woooow….what i wrote answered so many questions i currently had and it gave me insight to myself and gave me some sort of peace of mind. I cant explain exactly what i mean in detail, but im sure the reason i wrote that was for this day…today… 7 years later…..connecting the dots.
Listen, im a HUGE believer that everything happens for a reason. I’m a HUGE believer in looking beyond the surface…whether it be life’s problems…life’s successes…relationships….every moment has a purpose and some that don’t make sense in the moment might make sense a 100 years later. My emotional account 7 years ago actually brought a lot of healing for me today. I then remembered Steve Jobs speech on connecting the dots. I have read it so many times. Here is a link to it.
So one lesson i learnt from my emotional account in my notebook was that when life repeats itself….stop…listen and learn. Some can relate to me when i say when some things happen more than once in your life, its makes you think…”wait a minute. What am i missing here. How can this tragic thing happen to me twice…or thrice or four times…” It always seems too much for one lifetime. There is a lesson and chance for growth in any difficult situation and if it happens more than once, thats a way of life telling you to pay attention more.. especially inwardly. That our outer life reflects our inner life. God existed before the earth and He made the world out of words…He had a vision and out of His words (vision/ thoughts…invisible world) he created the world. Every object on this planet came out of the mind. People envisioned it and thought about it first and then invented it. So in this way, we invent our own lives. What we dwell on in our minds and hearts, can be created into form or reality. If you hold on to your past, you might be very well be doing it at the expense of your future. If you want to know whats in your heart and mind…look around you. If you lack somewhere physically, you probably are lacking something spiritually. Jesus says in the Lords prayer..”Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven…” What happens on earth, first happens in heaven…what happens in form, first happens spiritually or mentally.This is my own personal understanding to his words.
The truth is there are just some things that people should never go through more than once but many people who experience such tragedy will probably face it again and again…in a different way…maybe a different face or situation but the core problem is exactly the same. This is enough i think to warrant some self reflection. This doesn’t mean you deserve it or that you are responsible for what others do to you. This just empowers you to realize that you do have a choice to free yourself from whatever “bondage” seems to follow you. This goes for if you find yourself constantly complaining that people keep treating you a certain way…take you for granted for example….if everyone is treating you like this then maybe you are allowing it because you really don’t know your worth and you keep allowing people like that to be in your life for example. So the power comes back to you and then you have power to break the “chain”.
#connectingthedots #trustingtheprocess #stayhungry #stayfoolish
HP Day 89 : To my mother “Bloom”
I am obsessed with watching nature because i am amazed every single time. I just think if humans where more in touch with nature, we would be closer to God and our purpose as a human race. I read this week that barely any wild animals were killed in the 2004 Tsunami disaster. The wild animals sensed the disaster before anything was seen or heard and had time to withdraw to a higher terrain. I also read that prairie seeds need to go through a fire to sprout…just like how a lot of great people who have inspired and changed the world have gone through their own type of fire and had to overcome it to “sprout”. I also thought about how nature just functions, with no questions..with no doubts..no complaints and complete trust in Mother Nature. How roots are hidden in the ground and do their function as roots without being jealous of the beautiful flower blooming out in the sun and fresh air. How a flower surrenders its life by blooming coz as soon as it blooms the petals slowly start falling down and wilting to make way for another bud to develop and bloom.And how in its “surrender” by opening up its tight bud it reveals its secrets(colors) as a flower and how those colors create this beautiful self sacrificing delicate creature and right in its core, the whole purpose of the blooming is revealed. How right in its core and center is new life(stigma, stamen etc). It sacrifices and in its sacrifice its beauty is revealed and when its beauty is revealed, new life becomes possible. I just thought to myself …woooow…we have a lot in common with all this nature and are not really above it. By being so out of touch with nature and God, with all our intelligence and knowledge as a species, we still have weaker natural survival instincts than animals.
Yesterday was my mothers birthday. I meant to post this yesterday but i didn’t get the chance to do so.This post of my HP is dedicated to my mother. Iv always wanted to write a poem for my mother and i thought a poem for her birthday would be perfect. Still i had such a difficult time trying to write it because words just don’t do justice to what i wanted to say. I then thought of something i wanted to describe with the poem that reminds me of my mother and the best description or natural event that hit the spot for me about how i feel about her was the blooming of a flower. I spent hours watching flowers blooming on YouTube to inspire my poem.
Let me post one of the videos so that you understand what i mean.
My mother in my eyes is a free spirit, shes not really bound by a lot of mental common ideas…she is different…she seems to make and do everything from her heart. She reminds me of how a flower is when its fully bloomed…or those white dandelion flowers that when they bloom, they open up and are so fluffy and light and fly about.She is a beautiful person inside and out and she is so giving. One gift i will always be forever grateful for is her allowing me to be. To just be…to make mistakes…to succeed..to experience life..and i have always known she would be there on my side no matter what hit me in life. She has always been my pillar, has never judged me and i know i will always have someone in my corner…no matter what or who i become, who will love me unconditionally.
One time she came to visit me from UK when i was pregnant with my daughter and i purposefully waited to give her any money until the last minute she was about to board her plane because i knew whatever i would give her, she would give away immediately or spend it on me. So i just wanted her to spend the money on herself, so best way was to give her right before she left lol. My mother is also a woman who has gone through a lot of pain in her life. A lot of it she never says and still leaves me wondering more about her as a person without her being in the role of my mother. What dreams she sacrificed by having me at 22years. What she really wants for herself personally. I also found out her dad (my grand dad) was so disappointed she got pregnant with me when she did, he didn’t speak to her the entire time she was pregnant. I wonder about her personal experiences because i know she just tells us enough not all…maybe to protect us and to concentrate on the good side of it all instead. Her mystery reminds me of how a bud is tightly closed, waiting for the perfect moment to let go and fully bloom.
I could go on and on to explain how the process of blooming reminds me of my mother but i would take forever. So the following is the poem i wrote dedicated to my mother for her birthday, inspired by my mother called “To my mother Bloom” .Mom, you are my heart. I love you.
To my mother “Bloom”
Life sprouts from a burning prairie seed
Seeming doom completing the divine deed
Petals like arms..slowly opening in surrender
…in the self sacrifice
Wilting to give life to another
Spirit like the dandelion
Flying…wandering in wonder
The work of God present
If i could give her a name..
I would call her Bloom.
HP Day 78 : Smelling the rosemary tea 🙂
I almost regretted declaring my happiness project because as soon as i did that, it seemed my “luck” ran out.Despite that, i do see now the significance to everything… Honestly, i have started to truly appreciate every moment of my life for what it is. I am learning a lot about myself, appreciating myself more, forgiving myself more and expecting more for and from myself.
When we take the time to get off the cycle of having a “trance” like life where our responses and actions are monotonous,conditioned and not authentic…where we have meaningless conversations and put up images of ourselves that we think will be more loved and accepted than the real person really is..its like a whole new world is opened. All of that external world becomes of no importance.
Our world is full of beauty and so much to give and receive when we really realize that each moment is sacred.There will never be a moment like that. So whatever goes on in that moment…good or bad is insignificant. Whatever pedestal of importance or hole of humility you put yourself in in your mind is insignificant. However the world looks at you is insignificant. The fact is there is no moment that will be like this moment. There will never be anyone in this world like you. No one will experience life the way you will and because God is in you, He lives and experiences life uniquely through you….as it is…sacredly through you. This time and this person reading is like no other. This time matters. I matter. You matter. There is no person more loved by God and there is no person less loved by God. We all have our unique contributions to the people we love, our communities and to ourselves. Its a burden living with expectations set for you or those you set for yourself that are really truly not you. Just be you…good and bad and those who really care will be there regardless.
This weekend my husband and I attended a function by Wakati Trust. Its an organization founded by very young women. They hold an annual award ceremony for “unsung” heroes and heroins. Something about this function touched me. To see how people of my age and younger can move mountains with whatever resources they have and to see what these people who won awards are doing by the little they have. And there i am thinking i have to be a millionaire to make a significance in the world. The guest speaker there was the CEO of Steward bank Dr Lance Shingai Mambondiani. He said something that struck a code. He spoke from his heart and said we all needed to contribute uniquely according to who we are to leave a mark in this world and no background can ever hold you back (he grew up in Chikanga…kughetto and his grandmother who sold tomatoes and vegetables helped to send him to school). I realized in that moment that we are our own enemies to our goals and dreams. You can never blame anyone for what you alone have not achieved. There will never be a more perfect moment to do what you really want and love than this moment. You will never be whole enough for your dreams than in this very moment that you decide otherwise. You will never be a better person than you are now in this moment and there is really nothing stopping you than yourself. Well done Wakati Trust, you have inspired me and God bless your future endeavors.
HP Day 71B
Sometime back I had a dream which I think I posted on FB. I dreamt that an animal stampede broke out and I was running as well…as I ran, somehow these animals started to chase me. In my dream I felt intense danger from these animals and I started to run away from them until I had the entire animal kingdom chasing me. I remember clearly seeing different types of animals. I ran until I was too exhausted to run. When I slowed down and ready to give up, I noticed that the animals were not really chasing me but running with me. I came face to face with a lion in that moment, I looked in its eyes and understood that these animals were for me, not against me. They were bowing before me. I remember this dream moving me but I couldn’t explain it in words…I was just reflecting on something tonight that made me remember my dream. That nothing is ever against you…and I mean this whole heartedly for those who might need this message in this moment…NOTHING is ever against you. Even the bad and chaos is all part of the plan. That in the lessons is where you find the gold and sometimes you have to face ur fears dead in the eye (the lion) to really have a clear picture of what’s going on. And when u surrender, really surrender to the moment….that’s where the magic is.
HP Day 71: The power of Now
I am where I need to be. In this moment now…I will be where I would need to be in the next moment which will then b now…I was where I needed to be in the previous moment which was also now then. Now is where I am, now is the moment that matters…and now is my life… It will never be any other way as Einstein said time is only an illusion…waiting for tomorrow that will never come or living in yesterday that is already past…that now is really ALL there is. Living in the past or in the future only robs me of this serene moment. When I am here, right now, going through only the motions of what’s going on now, not what happened yesterday or what will happen tomorrow, I am complete, happy, at peace, living and fully participating in my life…
Day 55 HP : Gratitude
I was bathing my daughter yesterday in a rush to make it in time for church. As i was drying her, i lifted her so she could stand so i could dry her better. When i lifted her to stand, she immediately clung onto me and said “…thank you mama for (bathing or loving) me..” She kept saying it over and over again while clinging onto me…she probably said it over 10 times. I couldn’t really hear if she was saying bathing or loving. It sounded like loving but iv never heard her say that word so maybe she was saying …thank you for bathing me. she said thank you mom…thank you…thank you for bathing/loving me…thank you…thank you. She said that as she continued to cling onto me and she was also tapping my back. She usually says thank you after i feed her or even bath her or dress her in what she likes…she generally says thank you a lot or gives me a casual thanks. You should hear her say it, its hilarious lol..but this was beyond her. It felt mature and heartfelt and she kept repeating it over and over again…I was overwhelmed in the moment and began to cry. I’m still overwhelmed, i can’t explain what that meant to me adequately in words. I’m sure a lot of mothers have had moments like that. Thank goodness no one saw me…can you imagine explaining to a worried face that you are balling your eyes out because your daughter said thank you for bathing me lol.
In that moment, nothing else mattered. I felt pure love.I literally felt i was getting a huuuugggeee hug from above. In that moment i felt grateful. Pure gratitude. I felt grateful for my little angel. I felt grateful for life. I was reminded i had a purpose….my daughter is my greatest teacher, the direct connection to my Creator. In that moment I was validated…thats all i needed to know.
I am a bit out there in the way i look at religion and spirituality so bear with me lol.So when i was younger i thought trees and buildings could talk…not like humans of course but i thought everything had its own way of communicating and having its presence felt. By younger, this would be around my teen years lol so thats not very young…until i just realized i couldn’t say that in public lest they send me to a mental institution. I was reminded of this belief of mine by a book I’m reading now called A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. On one of his talks on Super Soul Sunday he speaks of how everything in this world is more than what it looks like on the surface. How a simple chair is comprised of smaller molecules and particles and is 90% space in-between. How that space is what connects us all. Scientists will tell you that everything in this world has “space” in it. Eckhart says our thoughts are not who we really are but that space between your last thought and the next…that when you meditate you should stay in that space because in that space you are whole, connected, fulfilled and happy. I tried it and its helped me unwind when im stressed because in that space you really don’t need anything, you don’t think about anything…you just ARE (“I AM who I AM” God said to Moses). We are all connected in this space and everything in this world has that essence of “space”. So in his book he speaks of a painter called Van Gogh who painted a chair. I quote…”He looked and looked and looked. He sensed the Beingness of the chair. Then he sat in front of the canvas and took up the brush. The chair itself would have sold for the equivalent of a few dollars. The painting of that same chair today would fetch in excess of $25million…” So what makes the painting so valuable is the painters ability to interpret the essence of the chair and most people can relate to that and are intrigued by that essence as people are intrigued by flowers and doves…so anyway, before i lose you here lol…i thought to myself everything in the world has this “essence”. This essence speaks the truth and people can relate to it. Whatever is true to you and brings out your essence is where your happiness and maybe purpose lies. I then thought…i wonder where my essence is….Then i thought its probably in my talents…the things i do with absolutely no effort…the things that allow me to be creative (made in the image of a Creator)…the things that show my soul and that people can connect to,admire or be moved by. Every one of us on this planet has at least one thing we can do like that…its that thing that brings out our authenticity and truth…e.g singers, sports people, artists…etc And for me i guess its writing…so for my HP…writing makes me happy and its fulfilling to me that something i can do so easily can inspire and touch someone else. At some point before the years took over my bones and coordination, i was really good at dancing lol..i should probably continue to explore that during my morning dancing while dressing for work ritual…maybe bust some hard core moves here and there…i should probably record myself…while some of you may disagree about my dancing abilities, its all good…il be all up in that essence…thats all that matters lol.Guess for those who are trying out their own HP…u can ask yourself where “your essence” lies and keep doing that. It could really make a difference in the world…we see how sports moves people and connects people…this is simply people showcasing and sharing with the world what they can do best and people connect to that.
I have had a terrible cold the past 2 weekends so my 21km is on hold…hopefully i can run this weekend…i cannot wait for my half marathon…m itching to do it you have no idea…for someone who could fake an illness so she wouldn’t run in high-school, this is absolutely a miracle…Hallelujah..so for me this week its keep running, keep reading, keep writing…stay present…all the things that make me truly happy
#youressence #myessence #trustingtheprocess #HP
Day 35 HP
You cannot fly, until you break that shell.
I’m not due for a post but i thought i should celebrate the good news lol. So i won last weeks lottery…hell yeah!!! I found out yesterday…i hadn’t read the Sunday Mail till last night. You know what the funny thing is, i thought at some point during my HP project (check it out on my blog Maggiesdiary.com) that i would have to win the lotto to be happy. So i finally have (God has a sense of humor)…OK by win the lottery i mean i won 10bucks black people…and white people trying not to be racist against my own race….and mixed race and Caucasians…ok everyone… (i got the first 4 numbers correct in the same chronological order. I was 2 numbers away from the jackpot)…lest u start calling me to ask for money. I aint sharing the 10…its ALL mine hehehe. I’m going to use it to take my daughter to the park this week. But im ecstatic…M so happy its as good as winning the jackpot to me coz iv never won anything in my life. Well in primary school i possibly could have won a cake at a raffle but im not sure if that was actually me or one of my friends..then at Capital One Auto Finance i won a sound system but i had just been promoted to a different department so i was disqualified for the win lol ..i took this as an omen (The Alchemist) and i feel anything is possible and my luck has changed.Wooop wooop.. So im going to keep throwing my requests to the universe and hopefully they will come true so i keep winning some of life’s greatest treasure and experiences.#anythingispossible #luckiswhenpreparationmeetsopportunity #hellolotto!!!
Day 27 HP
Ok so Day 27…Day 27. A lot has happened since i began my HP project. Actually feels i have been at this for a year and its only been 27 days lol. Today i actually do not feel like writing but if i stop i may never continue and get lazy about it. I actually don’t know where to start. First and foremost, i did not run the 21km Tanganda Vhumba marathon due to reasons beyond my control. I registered, was ready but failed to run. I was completely shattered. I probably got overly too emotional about it. I actually cried lol. Sounds funny but it really affected me. So anyways iv decided to make that up this weekend by running my own Maggie’s Greenside Mutare 21km solo marathon. The concept of the sense of accomplishment should essentially be the same. So yeah, im going to do just that 🙂
My to do list is far from done. I’m starting to feel discouraged about the HP progress and starting to feel lazy at trying. This sharing is actually giving me the push to keep going for it because then i have to “report” back every week of my progress. But most importantly, i think i should document even when i feel shitty about the progress then those who want to do it and are inspired to try a happiness project through my experiences, can have a realistic and honest account. The intention of me sharing is to inspire after all.
So apart from the depressing parts, i have learned so much this week. I learnt when you ask, you actually do receive. I learnt that we are all the same and are from the same source of life…that nothing human, should ever be alien to me (Maya Angelou.) By this i mean in life, when we realize that we are all the same, we are more compassionate towards each other and our faults. And despite our differences, we as human beings all need love. Our brokenness comes from a lack of it somewhere in our hearts and if we realize that then we can see through perpetrators or victims. They are all the same. We are all alike. We all understand the language of true love and we feel the effects of the lack of it. True love without self sacrifice. Because true love would never require self sacrifice. I also learnt of Omens. I heard of omens whilst reading The Alchemist. It is a novel but i think these omens do exist in real life. These are signs and instincts. These are the things that God uses to speak to us. It is important to listen to our instincts and to pay attention to close signs. That is our direct channel to God. These guide us from danger, they take us to the path of realizing our dreams, they help us meet the right people at the right time and could possibly be the difference between life and death. I thought about this point when one day this week i had an idea about doing something different about this blog. I thought of implementing some fun videos, inspiring and fun stuff that young people can look forward to seeing every week. (Ok, im spoiling the surprise lol). I had no idea how to do it, then i started thinking “Who do i know is into television or who could know how to do a podcast for example. Then i remembered of a guy i met whilst waiting for a flight some years back. We met, started chatting…i don’t even remember what we talked about. It was a seemingly meaningless passing time by type of thing. We said we would send each other FB requests. You know usually people just say that to be polite. But funny enough, as meaningless as our conversation seemed to be, we did eventually become FB friends but never really stayed in touch. How i was reminded of this person was by seeing him presenting on the Oscars. He was one of some students who won some competition and he was the first Zimbabwean to ever grace the Oscars stage. So like typical Zimbo, when i found out i told EVERYONE i knew him lol. So anyway to cut the long story short, i am hoping he will help me out with my project and reached out to him (no pressure Nhingi) lol. So what i’m trying to say is that, nothing in life is ever by coincidence. Even some people we meet might play a role somewhere, sometime in your life. So be careful how you treat people, and pay close attention to those you meet randomly…they might have a part to play in your life. I met my husband randomly in a cafe..who would have known we would be married today.
How i found out that when you ask you truly receive: One night this past week, i was deep in thought about something. I wanted an answer to a question i had. I asked God for a direct answer and i prayed about it. Had one of those deep conversations with God and asked Him for a clear answer. Not one of those i picked a four leaf clover so i will go for it type of answers. I wanted and needed something clear. So after my prayer i intended to read The Alchemist but i got distracted on my phone and ended up watching a super soul sunday episode online which had my answer to my question…by answer i mean a direct answer with no detours. It answered my questions…ask and you shall receive. Then i learnt that when you truly want something, the whole entire universe will conspire to give me my desire. I dont have any proof of this but i believe it. I always live with the conviction that God is the Master planner of my life. That when things dont make sense, i shouldn’t worry because He is 100% in control. Most of us religious and or spiritual people have no problem declaring this. We declare it all the time but we do not believe it. Once we face adversity, our fear sets in and the paralysis takes away our faith. But this lesson has been steadfast in my heart this week. #HP #Trustingtheprocess
Day 20 HP
The title of my HP project this week is “I AM”. I have sort of been complacent internally as far as being present last week. I found myself reverting back to my “old” tendencies. I got my hair plaited this week. I got box braids done and it took about 4 and half hours to get them done. I decided to reflect during this time. Put my ear phones on and listened to some music fit for meditation. I thought to myself…”Who am i?” “What do i want my life to represent?” “Am i in the space leading me to my purpose?” “What is hindering me?” “What do i want?”. I knew what i want. I want an “ABNORMAL LIFE” lol. By that i mean i want to have a “larger than life” life. I want to achieve everything i should achieve. I want to be the best version of myself i can possibly be because you do not get second chances on life…once you are gone..you are gone. I actually found it difficult to answer the “Who am i question.” I came up with words that i think describe who i am…my core…if i stripped down to whats really important, this is who i desire to be:
- I AM LIGHT….by this i mean i desire to inspire. If i ever reached my true potential…rather when i reach my true potential, i want to have inspired people to be who they want to be. Whether it be grandiose or small…to just really live a life that truly counts to them and not have “What ifs” on their death beds. I want to inspire.
- I AM GIVING…giving for me is easy. Iv been told its a weakness…i have felt its a weakness but i think its something i can use to do good. I once heard Ayanla on Oprah saying, giving doesn’t count unless it is received. True giving is whats important. Not for show or to feel good but to actually make a difference to the person who receives.
- I AM WOMAN…i have had so many conflicting emotions about being a woman…especially a black African woman who has lived in a western country. There are so many expectations put on us as women and roles used to define who we are. If you can’t cook, you are not a “real woman”. If you can’t have children, you are not a “real woman”. If you are past a certain age and are not married and have no children, you are not a “real woman”. If you do not act a certain way or are not as “moral”as expected, (i.e smoke, drink, go to a bar e.t.c) you are not a “real woman”. So i had to find my own definition of a woman that makes sense to me and that i can live by. A woman is human. She is real, with real emotions and real struggles and is allowed to make mistakes like any other human being (man lol). A woman is a creator. Her body is Gods’ canvas that allows to create and nurture another soul. Her body is a miracle maker and therefore should be respected and honored. A woman is no slave to any body or any man. She does not belong to anyone no matter what the bride prize bill says. She can choose to be “led” in marriage by a man who loves and respects her, she can choose to be single and still be fulfilled and enough.She can choose. A woman is enough as she is…her touch can be gentle or rough. She can lead, drive trucks and be in a boardroom filled with 40 or more men and still win the deal due to merit. A woman is an achiever…a woman can just be simple and chilled if she prefers. A woman is human and ONLY SHE can define exactly who she wants to be and its OK..
- I AM A NURTURER…to my daughter or any other child i decide to nurture in future. I would like to educate a lot more children and mentor them so that they can build their villages, families and societies.
- I AM POWERFUL…i can do anything and achieve anything that i put my focus on
I could go on and on but those are the few things that i think my core is made of. Who i really am or aspire to be. The funny thing about this that i am realizing as i write this is, I already am who i want to be. I keep saying “who i really am” in my core is who i aspire to be. I already am light, i already am woman, i already am giving, i already am a nurturer, i already am powerful. I guess the question or the real issue is to act upon it and to reveal who i think i already am. To take steps everyday and every waking moment to show my soul…to show what was already put in me by God. I have realized when you don’t have a clear sense of who you are, you cannot be happy. If you don’t know who you are, you will never be enough…who you are will be defined by other people, by society, by your parents, by your husband, by your friends and colleagues and the danger in that is you lose yourself to all these “limited definitions” of who you are and your life will pass you by and before you know it, you are about to take your last breath and realize you did not take charge of your life and the opportunity of being alive and do the things that God put you on earth to do. So i am working towards being very clear on who i am and staying true to this path.
I still have a lot of unfinished business as far as my to do list is concerned. This week i managed to have some quality time with my family. We discovered a new place on the Christmas Pass (Mutare) that i want to feature on ‘My favorite Things’ but i need to go back and take pictures. It is a beautiful restaurant. I also ran 15km on Saturday which is the furthest i have run so far in preparation of the Tanganda half marathon (21km) next Sunday. My box braids felt like a tonne of bricks on my head lol but boy was i proud of myself. Ran the 15km with Thobhela as my power song. Really felt like busting a dance move during my run lol. I am enjoying my journey because i think the good and bad will all work towards the same goal of growth and helping me to be happier and to become a better version of me. Loving life, truly living and feeling blessed. #BringIt #HP #YoumakemeproudtospellmynameWOMAN #MayaAngelou
Day 13 HP
This is going to be harder and deeper than i thought it would be. I listed my to do list for the week but i did not do half of the things I’d said i would do. If last week and this week had a title, it would be ” Facing my Ego”. That’s where my HP journey inevitably led me and i think that’s where i need to be until i find answers. I also probably have to add back the things i didn’t tackle on my To Do List for this weeks’ To Do List until i get it right. At the moment, i don’t see my HP as a failure but probably taking a necessary detour. I am sincere about being happier and this means facing my own demons…my ugly real demons…not in a glorifying “I am human and my weaknesses make me better” type of way but to really see myself as i truly am. To understand why i do the things i do, how it affects people around me.I am searching for the whys and hows and the plain simple truth so i can truly and genuinely progress. I read something very interesting about the ego today. First of all…i got to the whole ego issue due to some inner turmoil i was feeling. I was asking myself a series of questions when i was reflecting about a certain situation, and i kept feeling tense when i asked myself specific questions. My muscles would tense up and my breathing would become shallower. I wondered why my body was responding this way to my own questions and answers..was i lying to myself? Have i developed a habit to mask the truth coz i fear the reality? They say when you study people, their bodies and gestures can tell you more than their actual words. My prayer today was “God please help me see me as i am…help me understand what i am doing wrong..help me.. help me God.” I was literally saying this to myself the whole morning…So in looking more into this inner turmoil or tenseness, i noticed, when i feel this way..i step “outside” of myself then go into “auto pilot” …i say things that seem to be coming from an “external source” that do not match with the me inside..that don’t match with my soul…or i do things out of spite…or i want to be holier than thou..or i want to make myself look better or right..to be indirectly better or more evolved than the next person…to always explain myself…i desire to be understood and I’m hurt when i feel misunderstood and then i act towards that..i overcompensate.In all my relationships…every single different kind that is there..i give way too much and there’s never really a balance. I never give the other person a chance to outdo “my love” coz it made me feel good and worthy…as if i wasn’t enough and i had to add more to me. I was always the girl who bought her boyfriends better gifts. I was in one relationship for 5 years and our birthdays were a week apart and i always bought him nice gifts and the final year of our relationship, he finally got me something out of feeling bad bcoz he’d never get anything for me lol. He looks like the bad guy? No…i gave way too much…more than i should have been.Do i need to do more than be who i really am to feel loved? When did i start thinking I’m not enough? Where is my self worth..? Iv always thought i regarded myself highly,so naturally i was shocked at my own self revelation.. that this high self esteem and “goodness” i thought i had in me has always been a mask of my ego trying to help me feel what i was lacking. I realized this in me when i began to listen and pay attention…to everyone talking around me…to myself..to my body..my inner screams …to my circumstances, without judgement of either. The reality has always been there…searching for things that are already within. And now knowing i have full control over everything that is happening in my life and that will happen in my life, i need to understand why, then look for the hows so that i can truly live a life worthy in Gods eyes.
So back to what i read about the ego that i found interesting…. Firstly, all or most spiritual leaders identify the ego to be the cause of wars and disintegration of any type of relationships. The ego is the ring leader to all things evil in the world pretty much…the reason for most human “bad behavior.” So when i read this, my first thought was…I have no ego…if i do, its very small because i see myself as this selfless creature (self righteousness)…right? Wrong!!! I continue reading and it states some of the signs of the ego and part of them were stubbornness, fear of judgement, fear of failure…then i think “OK, that sounds like me…a lot like me.” And then i continue reading and it said all these symptoms have one thing in common, they all depend on the external environment to feel the way you want to feel…now I’m listening (reading lol). I will quote the next thing i read..
“When you rely on the other peoples perceptions to feel good, then you’re going to fear judgement, you’re going to fear failure, you’re going to fight to prove a point that you know is wrong, and you’re going to try and blame others for your situation in life…This is what’s at the core of the Ego: being dependent on the external environment to feel the way you want to feel.”
That resonated within me and stripped me down to my naked truth. If i could put a visual of how i felt when i read this, it would be a picture of a person who has just been poured icy cold water and has that initial moment of shock of the cold water…that moment just before the loud cry of shock lol.. I must have an ego the size of a football field then!!!..occupying too much space than i can accommodate in my little body. So anyway, i got to that realization and like any “addict”, i need to identify, understand and transform my ego. Identifying is the truth part…truth in its entirety. I like approval, i act and speak holier than thou.. I’m stubborn, i am very afraid to be judged to the extent that i am willing to live a lie or wear the “stretched smile”…sometimes i want to succeed out of spite (showing all my haters what i am really made of). My huge big fat ugly ego pounding its chest.
Then step 2 is understanding…why my ego rears its head. This is when i am allowed a little compassion for myself..I continue reading..There’s a reason why I’m fighting to make the external environment give me what i want. I currently do not have what i want. I currently do not feel how i want to feel. If i felt deeply connected with the people around me, would i care about what they think of me? If i felt powerful, strong and free, would i really care if i didn’t get the outcome i wanted? The only way to overcome my ego, is to feel the way i want to feel so that the ego becomes unnecessary. When you feel the way you want to feel you’ll stop needing anything from the world around you…wouldn’t that be something else…having that kind of peace in your life. So as i read on, to transform which is step 3 , I’d have to “Do” the things that would make me feel how i want to feel and create the world i want to live in. For example to feel “powerful” instead of hiding the parts of me that i think are weak or not worthy and then over accentuating the better qualities in me because i am praised for those qualities, I could actually try something new and challenging instead so that when i conquer the challenge, i feel powerful. This makes so much sense!!! I started running as a joke a few months back..i didn’t really think i could do it. I did everything i could in high school to avoid running. I always admired people who could run though. I always thought it had the feeling of freedom to it…with the wind blowing on your face and defying speed and denying your body…i always thought there was something spiritual about the act…but i just never tried it. So when i decided to try…i was right. Running is spiritual for me. Whenever i set a target on Nike and reach my goal, i feel powerful. When I’m in the gym running on the treadmill, i chant this statement when i start to feel tired and want to give up. I say to myself ” Conquer your mind, conquer your body, conquer your life” and i get this amazing burst of energy that gets me to the finish line. I get so fired up at the gym, i started becoming a source of inspiration to both women and men. I would push myself during class and the instructor would use me as an example. I was so focused at my goal of losing weight and being healthy, i didn’t really care what everyone else thought. Some women seemed to think i wanted to be “seen” because they thought i didn’t need the gym (i was significantly smaller compared to them) and worse still when i pushed hard in class..it was as if i was trying to show off lol. I didn’t know what people were thinking in the beginning coz honestly it didn’t cross my mind that people were watching until i noticed the instructor making sure I’d go in the front or the guys would want to train with me or help me learn boxing for example.I would use the treadmill after class and in the beginning, no one would use it until i noticed i literally had to rush after class to get a spot on one of the treadmills. I noticed the change in peoples’ behavior but i hadn’t linked that my behavior had effected that change. One day, one of the stronger guys in class came to run next to me on the treadmill and he says to me “Sha…i just had to come and run on the treadmill. The class was so hard and i thought i was too tired to do more but when i saw you come straight to the treadmill, i thought..if she can do it, so can i.” On another day, one lady asked me in the changing room why i came to the gym coz i wasn’t really “fat” and she says she always made sure that when she came to class, she’d go behind me or next to me because she saw me pushing and it was easier for her to also push herself by seeing me doing this. At that moment in time when i started to realize all this i was like wow, i had no idea all this has been happening. Now looking back, i realize i was already feeling powerful inside by pushing myself and challenging myself and the external power followed and matched my internal feelings…i get it now. I get it. Our external circumstances reflect our inner conditions. Iv read this a million times and I’m only getting it now through reflection. So definitely keeping fit gives me some sort of internal power and focus. I had really slacked on this the past few months but i will be back on it.
These are the things i need to focus on to be happier. I need to focus…really truly focus on myself and really work internally to have the results i want. So i guess last week has been very successful. On last weeks to do list, i was supposed to dance every morning. I think i did this 4 times and one of those times was after work with my daughter. She loves dancing and singing and making up her own songs. So there we were dancing to a bunch of really nice gospel songs, some ragga and RnB…we were breathless and tired after that and i reached out for the edge of the bed and sat down. And Ava comes to me and hugs me and claps her hands (kuombera) and says “Thank you mommy.” I’m getting tears in my eyes just typing this. I will never forget how happy she was. We usually dance and sing together and maybe i missed those moments of her joy coz maybe i never really paid attention to the actual action and be fully absorbed by being in that moment with her…so seeing her joy in that moment is one of the best moments of my life. I will cherish that forever. And we will be doing more of singing and dancing together lol. I love it!!! Happy Tuesday. Day 14 of HP project #Bringit # Conqueryourbody #Conqueryourmind #Conqueryourlife #Blessed #Hashtagging
So as you can guess…my HP has been either unsuccessful or uneventful thus far therefore causing 6 days of silence and nothing to report. I actually woke up very sad today and had a lump in my throat, felt like i needed a good cry….felt like this too on Friday and ended up at Tanya’s house (very good friend of mine), with comfort food drinking down a box of wine…yes we do boxes not bottles…alcoholics? naaah…we do it only once in a while so it doesn’t count.. Happiness was the main topic of that drink up..im sure the main topic on everyone’s mind daily but it always seems so unattainable….or it always seems like one has to win the lottery to attain it lol…Then i thought to myself….”wait a minute…am i not supposed to be happier somehow. Am i not on an HP project?” I realized i hadn’t been really proactive and its also because i really didn’t have a direction or specific things to work towards being happy other than the “I want to be happy” idea. So first, i asked myself….”what is happiness”…My favorite definition of happiness that i found was “Happiness is the joy you feel moving towards your potential…” Bingo!!!!!!! What most of us think happiness is…is actually pleasure..which is short lived and is not sustainable in the long run…u know how you feel when you first meet someone new and have butterflies and day dream e.t.c…thats the pleasure in a relationship…or when you do an activity that you like…that moment is pleasure and not happiness. The reality in life is that you will go through sad moments and difficult times where pleasure is just not possible. But i realized you can go through difficult times and still be happy. Thats what i want!!! Something long lasting and sustainable. For example you can spend 18 hours working on a difficult project, not having enough sleep….not feeling any sort of pleasure…but happy because you will be working on something that means a lot to you…meaning you are somehow moving towards your potential.The things i really want to start working on is DE-cluttering emotionally and mentally. I would like to focus and be present at whatever task or activity i will be doing especially when with my daughter. I would like to feel more like myself and reclaim myself. I have had a problem with my memory for years now. Its become so bad i’m starting to really get worried. But i think if i focused more on my tasks and sort of stop being on cruise control and so stressed, it will help me out a lot. Being present is a very spiritual task. My relationships and how i see the world are greatly improved when i am present. The most amazing thing happens when i watch my daughter doing the smallest of things, listening to her talking…all the funny things she says that i miss when i am either on my phone and not concentrating on her..So today i sat down and listed things i need to work on this month and this week i have a list of tasks i need to do. Well…its not all of it..some things are personal so this is the stuff i can share. If i fail any of these tasks, i will carry them over to next week until i get it right 😉
Goals for June: Be present (Focus), De-clutter and Reclaim Myself
- Give away ALL clothes that are too big on me.
- Have a date with my family each week e.g this Sunday i will be going on a picnic with my daughter at a park with animals.
- Have a power hour on Sunday where i can go through my to do list and tackle everything i have been procrastinating.
- Do one thing everyday towards my to do list no matter how small it is.
- Dedicate 2 hours of me time a week. I will take a drive to somewhere with a beautiful view this week (very easy place to find in Manicaland) and i will watch the sunset and nature and just write and think and sing…whatever i feel like doing…
- Concentrate on one thing at a time when i am doing a task.
- Follow my training schedule with no fail.(I will be running this week. Iv realized that running keeps me really focused generally. I become unstoppable. It gives me this natural high…pleasure…but then it also aligns everything else for me and i strive to achieve more that day.
- Do not take work home and respond only to important calls and chats when i am home.
- Have a business meeting with a friend to progress on a business idea.
- Sing and dance when i get ready for work each morning. EVERYDAY this week no matter what i wake up feeling like.
- Interview the homeless street kids (not for fun ka…its for a project lol)
Lets hope…actually…this WILL be a better week…Hello Happiness!!! Hello me 🙂
So I came across this idea of a “Happiness Project” and today was supposed to be the very first blessed day for me to go out there and get my happiness!!! Right…so my very first task was to get rid of all material, emotional, spiritual and mental clutter in my life. This whole month is dedicated to this very important task.For those who are confused, this basically means I will be getting rid of all the things that I feel weigh me down…for once in my life or twice…maybe thrice…point is, I’m going to be selfish!!! Yes!!! Woke up very pumped up about this. One of the ways I thought I could remove emotional clutter is to learn to say no and enough is enough!!! Sounds simple right? This to be honest, has been a weakness of mine my whole life. I think I’m getting better at it but overally I really suck at this. Iv noticed when I say yes to things I really don’t mean to say yes to, I become angry and bitter and resentful and that beats the whole purpose. I decided to rush home after work today so i could squeeze in a quick 25minute run but knowing my husband, I knew he’d delay coming to pick me up. So i decided to head on home using public transport. So for small towns like Mutare, especially in hoods like Greenside, we don’t really use kombis but rather small cars as public transport. So I got into one of those 8 seaters and sat in the front with this other guy. During the trip at one of the stops, he says to me “Do you mind switching seats and going to the back coz I’m so uncomfortable where I’m seated?” And m like “I don’t like having to move every time someone gets down.” Then he gives me this look that I interpreted as “Really…u r going to b a b@#$% about this?(no swearing but u know what I mean)” Then out of habit, I got down and traded my comfort for his comfort coz I didn’t want to be seen as a fussy little thing and keep everyone waiting while we argue about it….I was cursing at him all the way home and giving him a stank eye every time I had to get down to give room to those getting off . Geez….failure #1. I could have just said no, sorry…I can’t do it and asked him to move instead…politely too with a genuine smile on my face!!!…then I had planned after my run to go through my wardrobe and get rid of all the things I don’t wear anymore….by the way, I lost 25kgs since my pregnancy and this has been the smallest iv been in a while, so most of my clothes are either too big or too small plus I don’t wear even close to half of the shoes I have…I think more than half of those have been worn less than 2 times and iv had most of them since I left the states over 5 years ago. I tore my wardrobe down and only came up with only a handful of things I was emotionally ready to let go of. I couldn’t even throw away old underwear lmao. Honestly i had to force myself to let go of the handful..all I succeeded at was giving myself a chore of tidying up all the mess I caused with clothes and shoes all over the bedroom and at the same time trying to stop Ava from running out with my bras and underwear to the sitting room where my in-laws where and dealing with her crying because she wanted to try on everything she could grab..the day hasn’t been as successful as I’d hoped to say the least…hopefully day 2 will be better!!!! #bringit #HP