I know for sure that writing is therapeutic for me. Its great that it helps some of you, but its even greater for me that i could read my own stuff and go ” wooow, i could learn a thing or 2 from that”… Its as if i didn’t write it myself. I have found that writing helps me feel….i don’t know, i cant express how it makes me feel…im one with writing and when i write, its one with me… It releases my true nature…the one i cant really express to its fullest extent in person. Its my point of clarity and “divinity”, i see the world clearly as if displayed on a canvas, i feel like im in touch with myself, and with my Creator in the way i see Him and im completely fulfilled. Writing is my lover, my true love, my true friend…I’m not yet ready to write a book. Iv learnt everything has its season and when its time for me to do so and im fully equipped and experienced, it will come together. For now i just NEED to write and i want to share it with those who would care and dare to read(for they will be unbelievably long sometimes, it will only be for the brave willing to roam and conquer the enchanted lands of my mind lmao. So i have decided to create a series on my thoughts called Bare… I called it that coz when i write, thats when i feel the most alive, the most true, the most me, the most intimate, the most vulnerable,the most unbound…the most free and thats really really liberating in a world full of shackles of all sorts and sizes.Only when im “bare” do i believe i can connect with people…connect to the real person inside… beyond the photo-shop, nice clothes, nice car, old clothes, no clothes lol…barefoot…i want to connect to that person who comes out when you lay your head on your pillow at night, when its too dark for people to see your tears or sinister smile…
Chapter 3: 30 day love letters to myself (Day 1)
I wanted to remind you why you are so special because I think through out the years, you have found ways to down play yourself and worth. It’s time to remember that again…to remind yourself….just because….
When you have looked in the mirror the past few years…u could barely recognize yourself. You felt what you were seeing wasn’t really representing the real you. Its like as the years went by, you stripped off your beauty…bit by bit…in comparison to another…in believing the down playing of you by another…in total oblivion of your worth.
You saw before a body with scars…ugly scars you called them. You saw a funny nose lol…and cellulite that won’t go away. You saw broad shoulders that you only knew of when someone else gladly pointed out ur “imperfection” to you…huge lips..thin legs…a huuuggggee bust lol that caused the slight slouching when you walk to hide their size. Do you remember in grade 7…the first time you ever felt ashamed of your body? You wore a slightly see through shirt and you hadn’t started wearing a bra and all the boys were being weird that day and you did not know why. Finally at the end of the day…a friend told you it was because people could see through your top and your bust was bigger than most girls your age. You felt sooo ashamed of your body. Why do I develop faster than the other girls? You asked yourself…as if you have anything to do with the way you look or develop.
You saw a body that constantly needed “improving”… You tortured yourself through fad diets and at least you recently saw the ridiculousness of that. The day you decided to just be healthy for yourself and your family, your body felt your love and respect for it, it started to easily shed off the weight through a process that you thoroughly enjoy….running:-)
I want to start off with my love letters to you by describing what I love about you that I see physically. I love your scars. I love that scar you had in that horrible accident when you lost your dearest friend Vinnie and almost lost your best friend Belinda Kunaka. I love that scar because it reminds me of the prayer of protection from accidents that your mother said that night oblivious to the fact that you were actually having an accident in that moment…you felt protected and safe and comfortable as the car turned 5 times. That scar reminds you that God preserved your life for a purpose that you need to fulfill completely and unapologetically. It reminds you of a mother’s love and intuition. Reminds you of Vinnies last words to you. Remember he took you for a walk that night because you blatantly stood there and watched your boyfriend at the time flirt with someone else. It was so bad he felt he needed to take you out of the situation as the big brother he played in your life…he asked you to go for a walk outside so he could advise you. He told you that you should follow your dreams. Said he regretted not experiencing college life and that you should take the time to grow up ( I was confused whether I should do Unisa or go to UZ)….You went to UZ coz of wat he said and you will forever be grateful for the experience. That scar reminds you of the delicacy of life…your life and your loved ones’ lives….coz in a moment, it could all change.
When I see your csection scar I’m reminded of what you went through to have Ava. When you felt you might actually die and then they brought her out and you knew you were meant to be in her life. Reminds you of the time she smiled at you when you were in pain while recovering and you realized she had the dimples you had been praying to God for. That scar facilitated your little girls’ survival…your stretch marks accommodated her growth inside your womb…you nursed her away from diseases and gave her the best food you could ever give your baby…
Do you see how much beauty is in you….the sacredness of your womanhood…do you see now that imperfection is really “I’m perfection!!!” Your body has carried you faithfully through the years…has endured the early morning bhabharasi when you had to go to work…those thin legs have supported you in your every step…those shoulders have carried your burdens… how beautiful you are Maggie…
I love you… the way you are and especially when you smile….that smile could be the death of me 🙂 No one else needs to tell you for you to believe it…and you don’t need anyone to tell you for you to know it. Stand tall, walk proud…you are beautiful girl!!