Intimacy

“So which internet platform do you think is the busiest,” asked Father B. I pause, take a moment to think of a clever answer. I say, “Instagram of course,” getting ready to explain why I said so. “You must be one of the good ones then,” says Father B, “It’s pornographic sites” he bluntly blurts, it startles me. It was too blunt for a holy priest, whose mouth in my mind, should never be defiled by such words. I say “Ohhh yeah… ” thinking that even if I’d thought it, I wouldn’t say it out loud to a priest. “Do you know why?”. I answer privately in my head “because people are nasty and horny as hell, no pun intended”, trying so hard not to smile, struggling terribly… trying not to arouse any slight suspicion of my devious thoughts in fear of the hottest parts in hell for unpure ideas in a sanctified place. I say “I’m not sure”, with a straight face. He says “Because… people are starving for intimacy with the self. People go to these sites thinking it’s for pleasure and self gratification but really, it’s a longing for love and for intimacy with the self. They can never find it there fully so it becomes an addiction and a longing for something they truly do not understand. In essence even in relationships, we are looking for ourselves.” I sat back, feeling like I always feel when Father B reveals epiphanies to me. I choke up with no response coming out of my lips for a couple of breaths. My heart beating fast as if iv found the answer to all life’s mysteries on love. I finally say,” That makes sense.”

As I drove down the Christmas pass the other day, I was thinking of that conversation I had with Father B while I was at the monastery. As part of the silent retreat, I’d get an hour or so to talk to him about anything and everything, although that hour could easily turn into 2 or more. I lose track of time. It always feels like a therapy session as our chairs are strategically placed about 2 or 3m apart, facing each other. In that space, time stops. I’m open to learn and to be honest about how I feel and Father B is a natural. He allows you to open up and also gives gentle guidance when need be. I never feel judgment in his presence in as much as he is a spiritual monk. He exudes an aura of unconditional acceptance of anyone and anything. My most favorite conversations on spirituality and religion have been in that zone… 3m apart from him, in that library at the monastery.

I really felt emotional when he said that. I’m not sure exactly why it struck me so personally in the moment. I guess I resonated with its truth. I felt it deep inside. I could literally feel myself losing breath and trying to calm my pulse. I thought, “It really is all a journey to find oneself, to love and accept oneself and then radiate it to someone with the same energy in order to complete and reflect what’s already on the inside.” Our love interests reflect to us who we are on the inside. We manifest our demons, our fears, our pain or our self love in intimate relationships and this is why love feels like a wild goose chase for most because we point a finger to another, not realizing how much of the unraveling has a lot to do with what’s going on inside us. We romanticize it so much, we have lost the truth in it all. In essence life is love, God is unconditional love, we are all one and to find each other and know each other we have to find and know ourselves. This is the reason for it all. To be reminded of who we are in this lifetime, to love who we are and to see ourselves in others… if we understand and accept our strengths and flaws and we recognize ourselves in others, making the gap smaller to our differences, we will find it easy to love our neighbor or our spouse. It’s all one and the same thing. One can not truly find love if they have not found it within and a lot of us will never experience that unconditional love we long for until we understand that. And until we love ourselves.

That was a profound revelation for me. And not many will get it even after reading this and the love birds may never agree as that only shines a light to the cracks of their “love”. You see, the world… the entire world is truly inside us. Everything we perceive, see, feel is experienced within, even scientifically. The world feeds our senses and our senses process everything inside. Color is only color once our brain processes the stimuli. Color does not exist outside ourselves. So is love for another. It’s an inside process for another outside of us. So everything in us will determine how we love. If we never learnt to unconditionally love ourselves, we have no unconditional love to give to another. We don’t even know what that means. I learnt in that moment that I had a task. I needed to understand, truly understand who I am, whose I am and what that means. I learnt that I will never find the love I desire from another if I never learn to know, love and accept myself. Some say your true love is your mirror, ever wonder why it feels like that? I don’t think it’s anything to do with similarities but with recognizing ourselves in the other. That… I think is true love, true intimacy and wouldn’t that be amazing to find❤️.