Shadowless…

One night I had a very weird experience. At this time I was possibly at my lowest in life. I had no idea how I would get out of the dark place I was in and everyday was a challenge trying to convince myself that life was worthwhile. It all seemed painful, life seemed cruel and in vain. I felt shadowless at this point in my life and Toni Braxtons song above expresses it perfectly but instead of a lover, it was a call and yearning to finding me after losing myself in a world that kept handing me what I felt to be unbearable purposeless pain. I felt like an empty vessel walking around, doing mundane daily tasks with absolutely no spark of desire or passion. And as a mother who loved her 2 year old daughter at the time, I felt so guilty to be feeling this way. My daughter should have been enough to slap me out of the depression, but she wasn’t. I was struggling to get a grasp of meaning and hope. I really struggled every single day.

So this particular night I dreamt I was hovering above myself and the weird thing was I could see myself sleeping. I will try to explain this adequately so that you can see it clearly in your mind. It was as if I existed in both versions of myself and I existed in both dimensions of personalities. I felt the pain of the me that was sleeping yet I was fulfilled in the me that was awake. In the me that was sleeping and the me that was hovering, the difference was the me that was hovering was so complete, she was absolutely perfect. Her perfection was not in beauty or anything physical only but also in every aspect of her soul, her demeanor and poise. She was graceful and divine. It was as if she was the version of me I was supposed to aspire to be in my lifetime. This me was not worried about the sleeping me. She was self assured. She was all knowing, compassionate but yet also confident that everything was exactly as it was supposed to be. From hovering, this perfect me knelt by the me that was sleeping, besides the fragile, broken me. Then she blew on my face lightly and as she blew on my sleeping face we became one as I woke up. I say as I woke up because it felt like she was blowing life into me and the sleeping me was woken up by the breeze from the blowing on my face. I really felt that and it woke me up. I sat up confused at what I had just experienced or dreamt. Somehow after that, I had a slight glimmer of hope. Through her, I could see what I could become. What I had potential to become, an earthly representation of the Divine’s expression in me. The poem in my book First 30 called My Face is inspired by that dream. I’m not even sure if it was a dream or reality because it felt so real yet surreal at the same time. The poem speaks of how I’m constantly seeking her, reprimanded by her when I lose my way and guided by the belief that I can be her one day. I knew I had to try to start stripping down all the layers in me that were weighing me down. I had to face me.

So I believe we all have a version of ourselves we are meant to be. Most times we betray that person. Most times we become them briefly, only briefly because that other version seems unsustainable in the world we live in. The world does weigh heavily on so many people and most of us have lost touch with ourselves. I have got to believe that everything is in divine order so sometimes that detour is part of the plan and necessary. The journey is what matters most I believe because through the journey we get to experience all emotion, for to pain is to feel and to love is to live. The perfect part of the story is that I don’t think it’s about perfection but it’s about being masters of our own journey and we are the only ones who know what our perfect version looks like even if the entire world disagrees. We get so caught up in socialized definitions yet none of us really know with all certainty all there is to know about this strange world we live in. The truth is not all of us will ever get the courage to live up to who we are supposed to be. I don’t judge that either because we all have our reasons and demons. I do hope we find our way so that the moment we breathe our last, we can smile and say to ourselves, “I have truly lived.” ❤️