Everytime iv “fallen” for someone I lose my wits temporarily. I acknowledge logic would still exist somewhere in my head but practical wisdom flees completely. They call it falling for a reason. There is no place for wisdom in the “falling” process. You see yourself start to sniff everywhere for their perfume when they leave so as to hold on to their presence a little longer. You replay your moments together in your head…you remember when their ear twitched…or when their eyebrow raised…when and how they smiled or how the wind blew the hair on their face…better still, when they scratched their butt and you thought it was cute🤦. You can’t even say some of the things out loud for you will be judged for sure. You lose precious hours in endless day dreams. You walk around feeling dazed, hypnotized and willingly lost. It is a drug. Some strong ass issh. It’s the most amazing drug in the world. It completely alters your physiology, psychology and the laws of the universe are bent and altered at your command. Anything becomes possible. Somehow gravity is defied as you float about in your bubble. That’s why I will never be a judge to anyone going through the process. I have been there before…most of us have. Anyone who has done something dumb while in that phase should not be held accountable for their actions and this should be made legal because it’s not a drug you willingly take. It is a global pandemic with only reality slapping you in the face for a cure. If it stays good, you then, with time…as the effects start to fade…say you are now in love…graduated from the “falling” aspect of it…and then when you are more mature and realistic about it, you get to love them “for who they are” which of course is another way of saying ” I have discovered their “evil spirits” but I think I can still handle it” lol. The true person, not the made up fantasy you had initially, has finally shown up when you love them “for who they are”. This is when you are hopefully fully aware of their flaws and have maybe accepted the reality of who they are. It’s only real if you are REALLY in touch with the reality of who your person really is because sometimes we love the idea of who they should be or who they can be and waste so much energy loving a person who in reality doesn’t exist and never will…they only exist in fantasy. Any phase lower than truly loving someone for who they are becomes a slow decline towards the death of the dream from “concussion” on your heart from the “fall” and heartbreak is eminent. You will be lucky to walk away scot-free… undamaged. Heartbreak is gruesome and cruel and it does not spare even the kindest souls.
Heartbreak has been, in my opinion, the real culprit to perpetual pain in love. It is the fear of it…the flashbacks of it…the heart wrenching experience of it. It can be so bad it can shut down an entire heart and leave it stone cold. It really is one hurt person creating another hurt person to hurt the next. The experience of heartbreak is like shredding apart your core to bits and pieces with no guide on how to put them back together again. Nobody can feel it out for you. It’s a lonely road you have to face alone. In as much loved ones can hold your hand through it, they won’t really know what you are going through. So let’s dissect it further to see why it hurts so bad. From such a high, to the “bottomest” lows that feel like the pits of hell. Why is it so? I wish I knew the answer but this is my theory.
The game of love is really a game with the self. The love of self. The better you love yourself, the better you become at it. Every relationship is a mirror to teach you and bring awareness to what’s really going on inside. Each and every partner reflects to you who you are. Reflect on it…take a deep breath…and it will come flooding to you what I mean. Each partner comes with an opportunity to love yourself better and help them love themselves better. You can’t give what you don’t have, neither can somebody give you what they don’t have and you can never force them to because they don’t know how to. You cannot receive what you don’t know how to receive nor give what another does not want to receive or is not ready to receive. There are no victims in love…unless you are forced into a relationship otherwise you are in the position of allowing whatever happens to happen. There has to be an exact balance of give and take for it to be successful and for it to work. You have to be at the same vibrational frequency with your person for them to really be your person in a sustainable and healthy way. There is no universal manual to love and everything depends on individual desires and needs.
So because of that, my hypothesis of why heartbreak is so painful almost to a soul level is that you would have failed loving yourself better yet again. There’s nothing more painful than betrayal to the self because at the end of the day we have no control over other people and cannot be held responsible for how they act but deep down we do hold ourselves accountable for how we allow others to treat us whether we are aware of it or not. I believe the more painful heartbreak is, the longer we ignored red flags. Heartbreak emanates from fear of not being loved back adequately or at all by someone we love and poured ourselves into. Heartbreak is inevitable in our lifetime but allowing it to corrupt your heart and leave you hurt for life is now a struggle with ourselves. Do we believe we are loveable? Can we trust ourselves to make better decisions next time? Do we believe that love should not be forced and if it doesn’t work out we are strong enough to move on and try again? If we don’t believe all those things we then lose trust in ourselves and our choices in love. Ever wonder why after years of healing from heartbreak you ask yourself what you ever saw in that person? It’s because it really never was about them. It was a love affair between the depths of who you are and how it manifested in your reality through someone else. Can you imagine being the person you can’t count on to have your back. It’s one of the most painful things you can ever feel.
Maggie's diary 