The meaning of sexy…

When i was younger, i found myself cringe at the word “sexy”. Not to sound old school but sexiness always had to refer to some juicy body part lol. It always sounded so…vulgar. Anybody who showed any acknowledgement of that on me i would dismiss as being so shallow. But of course for any woman, being desired BY THE RIGHT PERSON is also intoxicating. You know how something can sound like a dirty insult coming from the wrong set of lips and music to the ears from the right ones. So in turn, sexiness has been something i reach for and gravitate towards because its so attractive, bold and daring but i also find it uncomfortable to declare and fully own “sexiness” shamelessly on my own terms. When i did decide back then to accept the word from another as a compliment, id have to tone the effects of its meaning to me by smiling with my head bowed down shyly, you know, to show some “dignity” amidst the “nastiness” lool. It always felt to me like something one had to humbly accept as a compliment from someone else and not declare it least you embarrass yourself if noone else approved. Sexiness was a public consensus for me not a self proclaimed status. Proudly declaring ones’ sexiness seemed very narcissistic and shameful to me.

I can see how that mentality was embedded in me because i associated the word with sexual body parts…bust, bums, hips, legs,lips…and sex on its own was a shameful act for a woman to acknowledge but a sign of prowess for a man. No dignified woman was to be found discussing her enjoyment of sex or anything associated with it. You had to be shy about it. In patriarchal societies, a woman’s body is not her own, just like her life isn’t. She is owned by her last name, by birth or by a couple of thousands or cows paid. Her chastity, her beauty and value is determined on a village stool until its declared in ceremony by her suitor where he privately dictates how it goes as he sees fit. He could and still can dictate how much sexy is too sexy for her or if any sexy could or should be allowed at all depending on how secure he feels not how comfortable she feels. Her body can be a powerful tool used to shame her and demean her but in some ways, it is also her source of power as she holds the potential to create within her womb, allure men and bring them to their knees with the same “shameful” sexiness. Marrying a virgin and marrying a non virgin came at different price tags…still does for some, as if her body depreciates with use. Her body valued according to society’s opinion, sexual mileage and standards. A dichotomy causing conflicting emotions to any girl or woman.

I remember feeling embarrassed about my body at such a young age. When i was around grade 5 my chest was starting to blossom. I was one of those that started to develop breasts earlier than my peers. One day this curious little boy ran to me and grabbed my tiny growing painful buds and ran off laughing hysterically…ouuuccchhhh!!!! He must have been rehearsing and planning his quest for days and squealed with joy at his success. I stood there, filled with tears from the pain from the careless rough grab and the shame of feeling like it was my fault. That was my first reality check and realization that i had no rights to that little body of mine and i told no one of that incident because of shame. Being a teenage girl using public transport was also an extreme sport back in the day. If you looked too nice, you could be harassed with insults due to bruised egos by “mahwindi” (commuter omnibus conductors) if you told them off for trying to get with you and if you wore something too short, they could undress you leaving you naked, shamed in public and even grope you with onlookers doing nothing to help you. It was as if you deserved it because you wore something short or too sexy. If they decided it was too much,they could act like barbarians towards you and get away with it.